How effective am I in implementing boundaries in my relationships?
I can say that I am better than I was but still have a long ways to go. The reason why I say this is because I used to have absolutely no boundaries. I lived a life where I did what other people wanted no matter what. And as a result, my life and my happiness suffered. I used to be the person that picked up every single open shift that I was asked if I could cover. I used to be the person who would do what everyone else wanted on the weekends. I used to be the person to respond to every single email and every single text message no matter what time of the day. All I can say is that it wasn't worth it. I've learned that boundaries are not meant to restrict joy, but rather protect it. Boundaries are not set in stone but can change as needed. Boundaries are not about right or wrong. I feel confident in implementing boundaries in my personal life. I still feel uncomfortable implementing boundaries for work and for friends.
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When I encounter conflict, how do I respond?
The top three common ways to respond: 1. Passive aggressively 2. Confrontational 3. Avoidant I respond assertively. I had to look up other common responses on Google because I didn't feel like I identified with the common three. This is actually a skill I am really proud of. I actually enjoy conflict and believe I handle it well. I view it as an opportunity to learn especially in areas that I do not have experience in. I don't feel like I have to yell and belittle a person I have the said conflict with nor do I run the other way when I see a disagreement coming. I wouldn't say I never react passively-aggressively or confrontational because I definitely have, but eventually, I come to terms. I'm open to hearing the ideas and beliefs of other people and understand that we all have the right to our own opinion. I never want to make someone else uncomfortable for speaking their truth and ask others for the same respect. I believe that there is always some form of common ground that we can agree on even if it is only something small. I strive to work towards finding a win-win even if that means compromising what I believe. How do I show up in my relationship with others? When I show up in a relationship with someone else whether it be personally, professionally, or socially, what am I seeking from it? What needs am I looking to be met?
I'm looking for validation out of my relationships. Validation that I am a good person. Validation that I am a capable pharmacist. Validation that I am lovable. Quotes from today's episode worth remembering...
"Relationships are the key to satisfaction in life and the core foundation for emotional well-being. However, they can be tricky at times and how we engage with them can be influenced by our past experiences." "Our relationship with ourselves leads the way for our relationship with others." "Happiness is like Teflon and sadness is like Velcro." My relationship with myself can be summed up by two adjectives: judgmental and unforgiving. I am my own worst critic and scrutinize even the positive or good things that happen. I have often rationalized this as trying to "learn from my mistakes" rather than celebrating my achievements. Furthermore, my faults and wrongdoings are unforgivable and I carry them with me as a form of self-punishment. Ideally, if I were to live within the values that I identified on day four and day five, what would I do differently in these roadblocks situations?
- ask for help - express my emotions - practice self-care - be honest - stop blaming others - surrender the idea of being in control - set realistic goals - trust the people in my life who genuinely care The past few days have been about what I gain by repeating my cycles of roadblocks which are my identity, security, praise, and even money. Today is about what I lose or sacrifice by repeating the cycles of roadblocks.
What is sacrificed by my behaviors is my relationships. The possibility of having new relationships and strengthening the relationships I already have. When I fall into these harmful cycles I am not my authentic self. I create an illusion of a different version of myself that people get to know. A fabricated version so to speak. A version that I want them to see and hide all the things that I don't want them to see. It gets harder and harder to expose my true self to someone the more cycles I repeat. My relationships can feel stunted or shallow as a result. I keep portraying the image that they are used to, afraid to let them see the chaos or the struggle inside. Those with whom I have deeper, longer relationships also struggle. I work so hard during daily life (i.e. work, school, etc.) to keep it all together that when I get home or to a safe place, I am mentally and emotionally exhausted. Often I either shut down or lash out over the smallest of things which makes me extremely sad to admit. I spend so much energy trying to seemly controlling other people's perceptions of myself, I don't have anything left to give to the people who love me for who I am. This is what provides me the motivation to break these harmful cycles. Because the damage is far greater than the reward. At my core, it is more important to me to have meaningful, authentic, loving, and lifelong relationships rather than always having a clean home, working 50 hours a week, and never missing a deadline. Why don't we break the cycle and choose a different path?
Part of it I believe is our lack of awareness. Some people have never gone to therapy and have never been asked these questions. They're not able to recognize what their roadblocks are and what their self talk is like. They are frustrated with how things are but they are blind to the cause of their frustration. Insightfulness and emotional intelligence is not something everybody is born with but rather it is something learned over time with experience and through the right teachers. And even with that it takes the right mindset to be willing to learn or being open to being taught. That was me when I was younger and pre-eating disorder. The life experiences I had gone through were the only things that I had known. Insightfulness and emotional intelligence wasn't taught in high school. Even if it was I don't think I would have had the willingness to learn it.
Fast forward to now. I have been to therapy and I have been asked those hard questions. I have been willing to learn and have started to become more insightful. I have had a multitude of life experiences. Funny though how all that is not enough. I still repeat cycles of roadblocks. Is there something I gain from not breaking them? My proposed answer to this question is two parts. The first is because it is hard. Harder than you would ever think. Second is because it is familiar. It is what I know. For the past 26 years of my life I have built my identity on what I have done until now. Even if I have built it on poor decisions that have come at a mental and emotional cost. All of a sudden I am known as a detail-oriented, organized, hard-working, reliable employee, friend, and partner. My identity wasn't built on being vulnerable, taking mental health days, flaking on friends, or having a messy dorm room. Rather it was built on always showing people what they wanted to see, having a "perfect" appearance, never taking a day off, going to all the social events, and having a color-coded closet. Breaking the cycle, in a sense, feels like breaking away from my identity. I don't know how to be the unreliable friend. I don't know how to be unorganized. I don't know how to be late to work. But does breaking the cycle necessarily mean that I can't keep the same identity? Is there a world where I can have both? Can I be a reliable friend but say no to social engagements? Can I be a supportive partner but be vulnerable? Can I be a hard-working employee but take days off? Yes, yes I can and I know that. But it is so hard to the point where I keep doing what I'm doing because change is uncomfortable and a lot of work. However, I'll end with this quote... "All growth happens at the end of your comfort zone." - Tony Robbins In what ways are you keeping yourself stuck in this cycle of roadblocks?
This might be very hard to come to terms with but the lack of boundaries is tied to how much self-worth I have. I have the thought that I don't deserve to have a day off. Or that I don't deserve to take a break. The needs of the company are more important than my own needs. The image of having my life put together for society's sake is more important than being vulnerable and exposing my insecurities. And I don't mean to sound self-centered or narcissistic. Yes it's okay to put the needs of other people in front of your own. But when you start doing it day in and day out every single time you have a choice, it becomes a problem and affects how you live your life. All of this is compounded by society's positive reinforcement. We live in a culture where we are rewarded for doing more and being more with either money or recognition. But that money and recognition comes at a cost. It is what keeps a lot of us from breaking the cycle. Let's say I go through another life event. My work offers me the day off but because of my lack of boundaries, I try to fit someone else's perception of being a good employee. Instead of taking the day off that I probably need to process the life event and because I don't think I'm worthy of taking a break, I choose to work. In the following weeks, I am praised for "my strength" and the ability to continue to get things done. Maybe I even get overtime pay in the process. Even though I might be struggling mentally and emotionally I continue on the cycle. Every time you face the roadblocks in life, what do you tell yourself? Yesterday, I talked about the two roadblocks that I feel trip me up the most in life. Today we dive deeper into how I deal with the roadblocks. I kind of have already addressed this issue in therapy before. I have had the chance to work towards changing my self-talk to a more realistic and positive narrative, but I will break it down from the beginning to give you a better picture. Roadblock one: my mental, emotional, and physical health suffers when a large life event happens. Narrative that used to happen: Be strong. Keep pushing forward. No breaks. If you can't handle the change, people will think you're weak and unreliable. Don't show emotion. Women are already portrayed as being too emotional, don't prove them right. Narrative that I am working towards: It is okay to ask for help. I do not have to go through this alone. Taking a break is warranted given the circumstances. Taking a break will allow me to recharge and process things in a healthier way. Other people's perceptions of you are not your responsibility. Being vulnerable makes you authentic and relatable. Roadblock two: striving for perfectionism.
Narrative that used to happen (and still often does): I don't trust _________ to get _________ done. "They" don't do "it" the way I like "it" done. I don't want other people to think that I let "that" happen. I'll just do "it" myself. I can do "it" quicker than showing someone else how to do "it." Narrative that I am working towards: There is no one right way to achieve the same result. ________ has shown themselves capable in the past. Delegating is apart of leadership. It is okay to say no sometimes. Other people need to learn from their failures too. Other people's perception is not something you can control. What are two things that consistently trip you up in life?
The first thing that always trips me up are large life events. Not little ones like changes in my work schedule or a friend cancelling last minute, but rather death of a family member, changing jobs, graduating school. When I look back and think about time periods in my life where I have struggled the most mentally and emotionally it usually can be traced back to one of these events. I am someone who strives for routine, stability, structure. When someone or something comes along and disrupts that, despite me trying very hard to not let it, I don't handle anything in my life well. The funny thing is that I know that I am and never will be in control of what happens in my life, especially because my life is intertwined with so many other people. It is unrealistic to think that I can control what happens in their life in efforts to try and control my life. One thing that I has found that has helped, is to have awareness around these life events. If I am able to identify when I start to feel myself slipping, I can rely on my skills and resources more heavily to help me cope. For example when I graduated from my program, I knew that it would be a huge transition for me to go from being a full time student to a working professional. I took it upon myself to go back to attending therapy once weekly in efforts to help me cope. Did I handle the transition flawlessly? Absolutely not. But I like to think that I was better off, than if I did nothing during that time. |
HEY IT'S ME TARA!Thanks so much for coming to check my blog out. I am a recent college graduate who is taking a crack at this blogging thing for the first time. I hope to inspire you to live a more connected and peaceful life with my own experiences. Recent Posts
February 2021
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