Thoughts run through my head faster than the speed of light. If I am not doing something such as talking, surfing the web, watching TV, or working, these thoughts transition quickly into a dark place. For a long time now, I cannot remember what it feels like to just be at peace. To not have the thoughts and just be still. Honestly it is exhausting trying to stay pre-occupied, but it is the lesser of the two evils in this case. I would rather be physically exhausted from working a 12 hour day at my job than allow myself the opportunity to be alone with my own thoughts. You're probably thinking though, "how is there even that much to think about?" I'll give you a quick example. Sitting here typing this I am looking at my fingernails and see the jagged edges of hangnails that have been bitten off. I think, "Boy that looks disgusting. When did I do that? Should I go get a manicure? Do I have enough money to go get a manicure? I shouldn't have even bitten them in the first place. What do customers think when they see that? What do my co-workers think? That is a breeding ground for bacteria." I think about other people's fingers I've seen and start comparing. "Other girls don't have scabs like that. They don't pick at their hangnails, why do you?" My thoughts have been so fast that at some points I question if I have ADD or ADHD. Essentially if I let it go on long enough, every thought ends with self sabatoge based on a comparison usually in the form of me being less smart, less pretty, less valued as a person. Pretty effed up I'd say. There is also a lot of doubting and over-analyzing. For example when someone gives a complement, instead of just accepting it, in my head I am thinking, "Oh they're just saying that to be nice," or "they're just saying that because he/she is my dad/mom, boyfriend, friend, or coworker." This leads to a lot of mistrust. I often have to ask just to make sure, "do you really think so or are you just saying that?" Ultimately in my head I think that everyone feels bad enough for me or is just trying to be nice and doesn't genuinely want to be associated with me. I mean if I was somebody else I wouldn't even want to associated with me. Who would like a person constantly doubting their friendship/relationship or have such a pessimistic view of the world? That's why I don't blame the friends that have left or given up and question the ones that still remain. Are they staying out of guilt? Do they feel like they can't leave? I can see how some people turn to medications, drugs, or alcohol to escape the constant thoughts. Many anti-anxiety medications are simply central nervous system depressants that allow the mind to slow down. People like this effect and in turn get addicted depending on the substance as a source of calm. They too are seeking the same type of peace just in an unhealthy manor. This is what psychologist call irrational mind. And when I am alone with my thoughts, it is very difficult to be rational with myself. You see, when I am at work or playing a game on my phone, I am forced to be very rational. That is why I try and keep my mind pre-occupied. That way there is no room for irrational thoughts. Ideally I would be able to balance the two. I am learning how to question my irrationalities in therapy. It often happens when I speak my thoughts out loud and my therapist stops me and asks me what I just said. Only then do I stop and take a step back looking at how absurd I sound. The goal is to be able identify the irrational thoughts and challenge them on my own as they happen. For example if I think to myself, "the only reason they don't fire me is because they can't find anyone else," I would stop and say, "of course they could find someone else if they really wanted too. They must be keeping me because they value me as an employee or I am good at what I do." The key is to be able to identify when I am being irrational and taking the time to stop and challenge it. Even if I identify the thought as irrational but don't challenge it, the outcome won't change. Some days it is more difficult to do this than others. But with continued efforts I am hoping it'll improve to a point where I can enjoy an empty mind once again.
1 Comment
Joann
7/26/2017 08:55:23 pm
Oh honey, I won't treat like anything less than the intelligent woman you are by trying to pep talk you. Self sabotage is more common then you may think. Everyone has internal diolauge that runs the gamut of light to dark. What you do with that is the key. You're learning that in therapy. I've learned through meditation practice to observe my thoughts like so much floatsum flowing by in a river. Notice the thought, don't attach your attention to it and let it go on its way. I myself am in recovery from codependency so self sabotage low self esteem and dark dark thoughts are not new to me. Please know in your heart and internalize in your soul that you are cherished and worthy of all that and more. I'm hear for you if you ever just need an ear that understands please just call. I love you to the moon Tara❤️
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HEY IT'S ME TARA!Thanks so much for coming to check my blog out. I am a recent college graduate who is taking a crack at this blogging thing for the first time. I hope to inspire you to live a more connected and peaceful life with my own experiences. Recent Posts
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