Brownies. Rich, chewy, chocolate-filled, dense brownies. What’s not to love, right? WRONG. Last week I had the itch to bake something. Coincidently it also fell on the night I had one-on-one therapy. So when my therapist asked, “What do you have planned for tonight?” I told her I was going to bake. For those of you who don’t know, I love to bake and cook. And not to toot my own horn, but I have been told I am pretty good at it. In our family, we take pride in making things by hand and with love. Homemade noodles, homemade ice cream, farm fresh eggs, vegetables from the garden… you get the idea. I picked up on my dad’s breakfast making and barbequing skills along with my mom and aunt’s baking skills at a very young age. Some of my earliest memories are helping clean fresh green beans and learn how to measure ingredients. At one point, my favorite TV channel to watch was Food Network. I have now learned that for people with eating disorders, it is not uncommon to have this love for cooking and baking. But what do I do with all this food that I make? Usually it is given away or sits on the counter until someone else eats it. Rarely do I ever indulge in what I worked so hard to make. Weird, right? Why I would go through all that trouble? Go to the grocery store, buy the ingredients, spend the time making it…all to give it away? As I sat there telling my therapist this, she sat quietly until I was finished. Finally she asked, “Why do you bake and cook then?” It took me a long time to answer. At that time, I was truly hungry for a brownie. It sounded good, I was craving something sweet, and I hadn’t had a brownie in a long time. However if a brownie were put in front of me, I wouldn’t have eaten it. The reason why I bake and cook is to satisfy the craving of food through other senses than tasting. If my eating disorder has convinced me that I can’t eat the food, then I am going to smell, touch, and see the food while it’s being made. Being involved in the process of cooking and baking satisfies that craving in the closest way possible. The smell of the chocolate, the weight of the batter, the cracked top when you pull them out of the oven...my eating disorder was trying to make all of those senses satisfy my craving for an actual brownie. That night my therapist challenged me to go home, make brownies like I had planned but actually eat one. And not just any of the brownies. It had to be the first brownie and THE CENTER BROWNIE. When she said it I physically shrunk in my seat. She clearly knew that this would be a hard task for me to complete so talked about it. “Why will the center brownie be so much more difficult to eat?” she asked. My response was, “It’s the best brownie.” “So? You should get the best brownie. You went through all of the trouble to make them.” “To take the center brownie out of a fresh pan?!?! That’s SO selfish!” I exclaimed. “When was the last time you did something selfish?” was her comeback. So I went home, baked these brownies, took the middle brownie, and ate it. Yes, it was extremely difficult. Yes, I had terrible anxiety the whole time. Yes, the brownie tasted good. No, I didn’t enjoy eating the brownie. But, now I KNOW I CAN DO IT. That is the most important part. I didn’t let Regina talk me out of it. I was scared, but I faced my fears. Next time it’ll be a little easier and the next time after that will be even easier. That’s what recovery is all about. Chewy Brownies
1/2 cup plus 2 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted 1/2 cup unsweetened coco powder 2/3 cup white sugar 1/2 cup packed brown sugar 2 large eggs 1 large egg yolk 1 teaspoon vanilla 1/2 cup all purpose flour 1/2 teaspoon salt 1/4 teaspoon baking powder 1) Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Line a metal 8" x 8" baking pan with parchment paper so that it hangs over the two sides. Lightly grease the pan and parchment with cooking spray. 2) Combine the melted butter and coco powder in a deep bowl. Add the two sugars and stir. The mixture will be grainy. 3) Add the 2 eggs, the egg yolk, and the vanilla. Wisk until combined. 4) Stir in the flour, salt, and baking powder. 5) Spread the batter in the prepared baking pan. 6) Bake the brownies for 25 - 35 minutes. The edges should look firm and well-baked but the center moist but not gooey. 7) The most important step! Immediately put in the refrigerator to cool. Chill for at least 1 hour before slicing. This is what ensures them to be chewy!
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HEY IT'S ME TARA!Thanks so much for coming to check my blog out. I am a recent college graduate who is taking a crack at this blogging thing for the first time. I hope to inspire you to live a more connected and peaceful life with my own experiences. Recent Posts
February 2021
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