I am about 90% sure most of you have seen the original Mean Girls and know who Regina George is. Maybe you haven't even seen the movie but still know the reference to Regina George. If you are neither of the above let me fill you in... The movie Mean Girls is about a girl, played by Lindsey Lohan, moving to a new town and transitioning from being homeschooled to attending high school. She is welcomed by "the plastics" who are Regina George, Gretchen Wieners, and Karen Smith. They are the queen bees of the high school and the leader is Regina. She dictates they're style, behavior and not to mention judgmental, rude, and shallow. Well guess who else has these traits?! MY. EATING. DISORDER. A commonality between most types of eating disorder therapies is to separate the person from the eating disorder. This helps in recovery by allowing the person suffering to take back ownership and control over their behaviors and thoughts that have been ravaged by their eating disorder. Many people will just simply say "my eating disorder," but to make it more tangible some will name their eating disorder. So... my eating disorder is named Regina George. She is awful to be around. She feeds me negative thoughts about my body, the food I eat, and every thing I do. At first Regina was nice. She wanted to be my friend. She would say things like, "Tara, you look really good in that outfit," or "let's go to the gym together!" But soon she took over my whole life. Regina would decide what I was going to eat, when I was going to eat, what was "good" food and what was "bad" food. She promised me that if I listened to her I would be beautiful, have more friends, and be healthy. In reality she was lying, causing me to chase after her with false hope. As I tried harder and harder to follow her rules I became a whole different person. I no longer found joy in things that I used to love such as hanging out with friends, cooking and baking, and attending school. Soon Regina demanded all of my time into fulfilling her wishes. There was no time for others or for myself. I can honestly say, looking back, it was the darkest days of my life. I would wake up at 5:15am, drink cinnamon tea with honey, eat 4 saltine crackers, and go to the gym. I would run intervals on the treadmill until the machine told me I burned 500 calories then do an ab circuit for another 30 minutes. I then weighed myself on the gym scale and returned to my dorm. I would quickly shower, grab my things for class, and go eat breakfast in the campus dining center. I had the same breakfast every morning - hard boiled egg whites, 1/2 a grapefruit, and oatmeal. I then went to class where, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't pay attention for longer than 10 minutes. I kept looking at the clock and counting the minutes until lunch. It would only be 9 a.m. but I was exhausted. Finally we were dismissed and when I went to stand up my legs were asleep. Not the normal asleep though. A painful hurt in my muscles that felt like someone had been giving me "monkey bumps" all during class. I would then look online to see what the choices were for lunch and then correspondingly look to see how many calories they were worth. No matter what it was, 9 times out of 10 I got a steamed chicken breast with a salad with a small dab of dressing on the side that I would water down. I then either went back to class or sit in a study area until it was time to eat supper. At precisely 8 p.m. I would return to my dorm to finally go to sleep. Throughout the day I drank anywhere between 1 to 2 gallons of water and had pre-portioned snacks consisting of tuna, carrots, hard boiled egg whites, and celery. Always before I went to bed I would lay out my workout clothes for the morning, portion my snacks, and make my cinnamon tea. For 5 months I did this routine religiously. I would track my food and workouts on an app on my phone counting everything from ketchup to gum. At first I saw no results. I became frustrated and would want to give up, but Regina was always there pushing me to continue. "You skipped that one ab circuit. That's why you didn't see any results this week. Next week if you just listen to me and do exactly as I say you will see the progress I've been promising you." or "I read online that you aren't supposed to eat fruit after 3 p.m. You've been doing that a lot so that's why you didn't lose any weight. If you stop eating fruit after 3 p.m. you'll lose some weight." Regina's rules became stricter and stricter. I couldn't eat any processed foods or refined sugars. I had to eat every 3 hours to keep burning calories and boost my metabolism. If I was hungry in between snacks or meals I would have to chew gum and drink water. I couldn't spend time with friends because I had to go back and log my workout and prepare my snacks for the next day. If I did anything out of line she would punish me. If I ate something "bad" I wouldn't be able to eat an item later on in the day. If I didn't go workout I would have to reduce all my meals and snacks by 100 calories. It all finally reached it's pinnacle when I returned home for the summer. I no longer could hide my rigid routine. Staying with my parents was when I realized something was wrong. I no longer could have the same repetitive meals as Regina wanted. I couldn't eat when Regina wanted. It was a daily battle with myself, Regina, and my parents. They would ask me what I would want for supper and Regina would tell me what to say. Because I no longer had the campus dining center convinence, I had to have something else than steamed chicken breasts, egg whites, spinach, and grapefruit. Regina was FURIOUS. She made me say many hurtful and mean things to my parents forcing them to give into what she wanted me to have. Even though she got what she wanted she wanted to be in the kitchen overseeing every aspect of how the meal was made. "Too much butter. Drain off that fat. Use whole wheat instead of white." Regina didn't let me stop exercising either. I bought a membership at the local gym. I would still wake up and go workout first thing in the morning. I would weigh myself and look the the number of calories I would burn and think I was accomplishing something. However I did notice a difference. No longer could I maintain the intensity of my workouts. I would have to stop because I was so out of breath on the treadmill. Instead of seeing the warning sign, all I heard was Regina saying, "Look how out of shape you are! You can't even run anymore because you're so out of shape. Now you have to run 10 more minutes." Finally at the end of the summer, my parents convinced me to go get a physical. They were concerned about my well-being. I remember my dad looking at my arms one day and he said I needed to stop. Underneath my pale skin you could see my greenish-blue veins popping out. I also remember being cold. So cold. On 90 degree days I would sit on the patio in my bathing suit soaking up the sun not even sweating. I wouldn't be able to have the air conditioning on in my car because I'd be shivering. I slept with all my blankets on in the middle of summer because I would think the air conditioning in the house was cold. But Regina wanted me to go get the physical. She actually had me convinced, "Go prove them wrong. You're perfectly healthy. This is the best you've ever been." My mom came with me that awful day. They weighed me and took my height. Over a 6.5 month period I had lost 40lbs. My blood pressure was scary low. They tested my blood and luckily everything was ok. Then I heard the words. Those awful words. The words that changed my life. "You have anorexia nervosa." The doctor diagnosed me and referred me to a counselor that specialized in eating disorders. I left the office and went into the hallway and just cried. I cried so hard I was gasping for air, leaning on the wall for support. My mom walked me to the car and drove home.
That was the single hardest day of my life. It was also the day that I was given a second chance at life.
15 Comments
Alex hill
7/7/2016 09:37:51 am
Hey, I had no idea what you were going through. I am proud of you. I am glad you got a 2nd chance.
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Tara
7/8/2016 08:54:16 am
Thanks Alex! I hid it for a long time but I am glad I got a 2nd chance too.
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Becky Templin
7/7/2016 09:44:08 am
You are a great writer Tara. Thank you for sharing ❤️
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Tara
7/8/2016 08:55:46 am
Thank YOU Becky for reading!
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Jean Baker
7/7/2016 10:28:42 am
Love you Tara, very proud of you.
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Tara
7/8/2016 08:58:09 am
Thank you ❤️
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Trudy Andrews
7/7/2016 10:29:07 am
I am so very proud of you for sharing this and I know it had to be incredibly hard to share. I was very worried about you during this time as I saw you were getting thinner and thinner and were very committed to your workouts. I prayed daily for you and God to take special care of you!! I am very proud of you and I know how special you are and I also know God has a very special plan for both you and Justin!! I love you!!
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Tara
7/8/2016 09:01:11 am
Trudy you hold a special place in my heart! Thank you for your kind words and prayers. Your smile each and every day meant more than you knew those days I struggled. And even today I look forward to each and every time I get to see you ❤️
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Jo Jo
7/7/2016 10:50:32 am
Oh my sweet Tara hang in there you will beat this
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Tara
7/8/2016 09:02:30 am
Each day is a step in the right direction. Thank you Jo Jo!
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Jordan Carlson
7/7/2016 05:54:57 pm
This was fantastically written! The way you personified your anorexia makes me understand eating disorders in a new way. Thank you for sharing this!
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Tara
7/8/2016 09:05:55 am
Ahh thanks Jordan! I am glad you found it helpful. I hope through my blog people have the same reaction as you 😊
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Chuck Thompson
7/7/2016 08:39:35 pm
Tara, what a powerful, beautifully delivered post. You're a great voice for others who will also face similar issues. I'm proud of you, and hope you can continue on a healthier path. Take care kiddo!
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Tara
7/8/2016 09:07:11 am
Thanks Coach Thompson!
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7/10/2016 07:57:02 am
Tara this is such a big step in healing and helping others who struggle with eating disorders. I am so proud of you!
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HEY IT'S ME TARA!Thanks so much for coming to check my blog out. I am a recent college graduate who is taking a crack at this blogging thing for the first time. I hope to inspire you to live a more connected and peaceful life with my own experiences. Recent Posts
February 2021
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