The Emily Program genuinely saved my life. It is where I go for recovery. The day I was diagnosed, my life turned upside down. I quickly realized how sick I was. Recovery has not been easy, and at times I have wanted to give up. The Emily Program has always been there to support me and show me how much better my life is without my eating disorder. Before I went to The Emily Program, I was recommended to the Women's Behavior Health department at CentraCare. I received a therapist and a dietician that specialized in eating disorders. My very first meeting with my therapist was an eye opener. She understood everything I explained to her about my eating disorder - how it was controlling me, how I had lost myself, and how I it made me feel to hear the words "anorexia." She put it very simply, "Tara your eating disorder is going to kill you if you don't get help. Your body cannot sustain the amount of stress you are putting it under. One of the reasons why you are so skinny is because your body is using your muscles as a source of energy. Your body is literally eating your muscles to survive. Guess what is a muscle, not to mention one of the most important muscles in your body? Your heart." This was a wake up call. This whole time I was convinced I was getting healthier by losing weight. They explained to me how protein, fat, and carbohydrates are essential for the body to function. My hair was falling out and my nails were constantly chipping due to lack of protein needed to make them strong. My memory was poor and attention span was short because my brain wasn't fueled by the carbohydrates it needed. All this time I was learning these facts in my biology class, but hadn't made the connection. I was in denial that I had a problem. In fact the biggest and most helpful part of my recovery has been to acknowledge whats wrong and take steps to correct my thoughts/behaviors. Luckily as the summer ended, CentraCare told me about The Emily Program. My biggest fear was not being able to continue with school and take a year off to complete therapy. I fortunately didn't have to because they had a location near my school. I was evaluated at my intake and started my journey towards recovery with outpatient weekly therapy and dietician meetings. For one year I continued making progress and in fall 2014 I was healthy enough to discontinue the program. Then in June 2015, things started taking a negative turn. I had to have my appendix removed which triggered some eating disorder behaviors. I was very nauseous and anxious about food due to the pain and surgery. My grandfather died, I moved into my apartment, and Justin tore his meniscus within a weeks time. As things spiraled out of control, I started unconsciously restricting my intake and started to lose weight. I gradually declined as I began graduate school and in March my health was deteriorating once again. On top that, the stress of school and work triggered serious anxiety and panic attacks. On two occasions they were so severe, lasting 1-2 hours, I went to the hospital. It put immense stress and worry on my loved ones, to the point where they intervened. I took a week off of school to check back into recovery at The Emily Program and 6 weeks off from work to focus on getting better. This time instead of doing regular outpatient I was a part of intense out patient (IOP) therapy. I met with a group of 5-6 other Emily Program patients three times a week for 3 hours. In that time we talked about how our days were going, set goals related to our eating disorders, ate a prepared meal together, and sometimes even went on walks. They were facilitated by a dietician and a therapist who lead activities and discussions. In addition to IOP, I also had weekly one-on-one therapy and dietician sessions. In total I spent 10.5 hours per week at The Emily Program focusing on recovery. It was very difficult to go back to The Emily Program. For a very long time I was depressed thinking, "Is this how it was going to be for the rest of my life?" Get better, get worse, go back to therapy, get better, get worse, go back to therapy. Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why, after all I put my loved ones through, would I do this to them again? What I have learned is that my eating disorder is very good at disguising itself. Unlike the first time, I wasn't counting calories, exercising excessive, or even trying to lose weight. I was so aware of what my eating disorder looked like before but unfortunately while I was looking so intently in one direction, Regina disguised herself and snuck in the back door. This time she used illness, stress, and anxiety to target me. One of my goals at The Emily Program is to do relapse prevention. I have looked a lot at my life when my eating disorder hits. The first time around I was in a new school, in a new town, away from family, and had a major lifestyle change. This time around I had death, illness, stress, and more lifestyle change. I am learning that I am most vulnerable when my life is moving very fast - so fast I can't get my feet under me. This is when I need to be extra conscious of my choices. It is very easy for Reigna to come and make false stability through food. Today I am no longer a part of IOP but still continue to go to my individual sessions with my dietician and therapist. With their help and constant support I don't think I would be here today. They help me focus on the things I value in life like relationships with my family and friends, having fun, making memories, self-care, enjoying the outdoors, and being a support system for others. They also help me see how Regina, my eating disorder, gets in the way of those things. Each week I take steps to getting stronger and separating myself from Regina. The Emily Program is one of the best programs in the country for eating disorders. They provide many levels of care from residential programs that are 24 hours/7 days a week, intensive day programs, partial hospitalization, intensive outpatient programs to outpatient. I HIGHLY recommend The Emily Program to ANYONE regardless of age or gender. If you or someone you know has an eating disorder please, please visit their website for more resources. You can hear from other individuals who have gone through their programs as well and learn about their approach to therapy.
1 Comment
Dad
7/14/2016 08:04:30 pm
Sweetie you are such a strong and brave person I am so proud of you keep up the good work mom and I will always be there for you . xoxo love you
Reply
Leave a Reply. |
HEY IT'S ME TARA!Thanks so much for coming to check my blog out. I am a recent college graduate who is taking a crack at this blogging thing for the first time. I hope to inspire you to live a more connected and peaceful life with my own experiences. Recent Posts
February 2021
Categories |