The past few days have been about what I gain by repeating my cycles of roadblocks which are my identity, security, praise, and even money. Today is about what I lose or sacrifice by repeating the cycles of roadblocks.
What is sacrificed by my behaviors is my relationships. The possibility of having new relationships and strengthening the relationships I already have. When I fall into these harmful cycles I am not my authentic self. I create an illusion of a different version of myself that people get to know. A fabricated version so to speak. A version that I want them to see and hide all the things that I don't want them to see. It gets harder and harder to expose my true self to someone the more cycles I repeat. My relationships can feel stunted or shallow as a result. I keep portraying the image that they are used to, afraid to let them see the chaos or the struggle inside. Those with whom I have deeper, longer relationships also struggle. I work so hard during daily life (i.e. work, school, etc.) to keep it all together that when I get home or to a safe place, I am mentally and emotionally exhausted. Often I either shut down or lash out over the smallest of things which makes me extremely sad to admit. I spend so much energy trying to seemly controlling other people's perceptions of myself, I don't have anything left to give to the people who love me for who I am. This is what provides me the motivation to break these harmful cycles. Because the damage is far greater than the reward. At my core, it is more important to me to have meaningful, authentic, loving, and lifelong relationships rather than always having a clean home, working 50 hours a week, and never missing a deadline.
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HEY IT'S ME TARA!Thanks so much for coming to check my blog out. I am a recent college graduate who is taking a crack at this blogging thing for the first time. I hope to inspire you to live a more connected and peaceful life with my own experiences. Recent Posts
February 2021
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