As I end my second year of pharmacy school, I thought I would reflect on this past academic year. We are forced to do many reflections in pharmacy school and usually when I hear the word, I moan and roll my eyes. However, they are extremely useful and important to monitor growth and gain appreciation for what has been endured. Exactly one year ago from this past March, I was at an extremely low point in my life. I had visited the hospital on two occasions for anxiety and depression. I felt like I was screaming for help on the inside, but I was too strong to show my desperate cry for help on the outside. I was caught in what my therapists calls "the circle of shit." My "circle of shit" consisted of the following. I would wake up from a poor night's sleep. Not having energy, I would skip class to sleep in. Because I skipped class, I would later feel guilty and ashamed leading to more depression. My anxiety grew as I would think about the lecture or activity I missed and feel behind. I would spend hours trying to piece together what I had missed and turn down opportunities to socialize thinking that I didn't have time. I wouldn't sleep well as a result and the next morning the cycle would repeat. When I did go to class, I would feel lost. I didn't know what was going on so I would lose interest and focus easily. This also would reinforece my feelings of guilt, shame, depression, and anxiety making me less likely to go to class again. Thankfully at our school, nearly all lectures are recorded and I would catch up on my own time but it was still difficult. They say that the second year of pharmacy school is the hardest, but I would disagree and say for me, it was first year. By the end, I truly had given up. I ended up having to remediate one class (test out to prove that I had learned enough to move on) while barely passing my other classes. I left that spring feeling very different than I do now. I have learned this year that the cliche saying, "academic success is directly proportional to attendance," is actually true and that quantity is NOT better than quality. I made extra effort to attend class from the get go, so that I didn't feel behind. Even on those miserably cold mornings, where I would have to drag myself to the bus stop, paid off. This had the opposite effect of what had traditionally happened before. I felt happy and rewarded instead of guilt and shame. I found that once I was at school, I was thankful I went. It was just the struggle of actually getting up to go to school that was the hardest and thus I had found where to interject "the circle of shit." When I would wake up and have those thoughts of, "I am so tired," or "my bed is so comfortable," or "it's really not that important," I had a choice whether to act on those thoughts/feelings. Most of the time I would choose the one that gave me short term happiness (not going to school and going back to sleep) but in the long run it had it's consequences that I wasn't willing or able to deal with. I had to learn how to make the hard choice that didn't necessarily have benefits immediately but had a very positive effect in the long run. As a result, slowly the depression and anxiety got better because I was no longer ashamed or guilty of my choices. I enjoyed going to class once again and was more interested in the material being taught. Secondly, I re-evaluated my study habits. For years what had worked best for me was repetition. The more times I saw, spoke, wrote, and heard the material the better I performed. But I found out in pharmacy school that repetition only worked to a certain extent and usually worked better if you understood what your were studying first. I took a step back and had to ask myself if I even understood what I had just read and written for the past hour. Usually the answer was no. I started to understand that my method no longer worked and needed a new one. This lead me to my current routine of looking at the material for a longer period of time initially and truly comprehend what I am reading or writing. This way it sticks more the first time and I don't have to revisit it numerous times later. As a result, second year, supposedly the hardest year from other student's opinions, has been my easiest thus far and most successful. I didn't have to worry about passing or remediating any classes either. I feel like I actually learned a lot this year and am excited to use what I learned on rotation and at my internship. I am much happier and less stressed outside of school as well! What a difference a year can make. This marks the halfway point for me in pharmacy school and I hope it continues on this trend. Thank you to everyone that helped me this past year and I appreciate your support and encouragement! Third year here I come!
P.S. Congratulations to all those who graduated this weekend!
2 Comments
Mary Bukowski
5/8/2017 05:43:06 am
Thanks for sharing. You have now helped so many that are also struggling. I am so proud of everything you have learned to deal with.
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Dad
5/9/2017 06:21:08 pm
You can't believe how proud I am of you you deserve a noble prize love you sweetie
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HEY IT'S ME TARA!Thanks so much for coming to check my blog out. I am a recent college graduate who is taking a crack at this blogging thing for the first time. I hope to inspire you to live a more connected and peaceful life with my own experiences. Recent Posts
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